If Only I Weren't a "Me Too"

#metoo  (Mom, this is one you may want to skip reading)

When I first saw this phrase surfacing I thought, "Wow, how brave of women to let EVERYONE know that something horrible has happened to them." Seriously, think about telling your mom, dad, aunts, uncles, co-workers, past friends....Everyone that you know that someone has sexually assaulted you. It's hard.

As I was pondering whether I could ever be this brave, I questioned whether I could even claim this or not. What went through my head is likely something that a lot of women thought as well, which is, "well, I'm not sure if I've ever been sexually assaulted, but there's definitely some uncool things that have happened." I don't want to necessarily claim being sexually assaulted for gray areas. For me, sometimes the phrase 'sexually assaulted' makes me think of being stopped in a dark alley and someone having their way with me, and not the everyday subtle events that likely happen to the majority of women.

But the more I thought about this topic and each of my gray areas, the more emotional I became and the more I couldn't stop thinking about it. When women talk about being sexually assaulted, people tend to question their decisions and it puts their romantic and social decisions under a microscope. So this is going to be hard for me. It's also going to be revealing and personal, but ultimately, I know a lot of women around me have been in very similar situations that I feel it's important to talk about some of these complexities of this topic.

So initially, if someone asked me the question, 'have you ever been sexually assaulted?' I would have said no. But after thinking about it recently, the answer is ultimately yes, and here's why. High school and college were kind of wild, and looking back, I was a little out of control. I drank a lot and went to parties. The drinking and partying itself put myself in a lot of situations where men just seemed to feel that they were allowed or entitled to do things, especially after I would obviously been unfit to make any decisions whatsoever. This is a particularly gray situation because, A, I made the decision to drink and party, and B, men also loose their inhibitions and decision making as they drink, and therefore, should they be held accountable for making poor decisions as well? Honestly, I think sometimes yes and sometimes no. There are, however, specific situations where the answer is resounding yes, but it's taken me this long to really reflect on what that means. I think about the times where I may have 'passed out' but was really just half asleep and men feeling me in places that were inappropriate who thought I was asleep. I think about the times that kissing just can't be just kissing and it becomes a huge ordeal of convincing me and sometimes just giving in because I felt I was being lame, prude, or unadventurous. 

But then there were other times, other times maybe less gray. Like when I worked at a restaurant and another co-worker walked into a fridge walk-in after me, assuming they could pick me up and just start kissing me (not in a romantic way). Or the times I've just flat out been pressured by people I'm dating to do things faster or more than I want to, and yes, I've had guys stop seeing me because I wouldn't do what they wanted.

I've gone over these situations in head, and yes, some of them I could have made better decisions, but then I start to think of the situation reversed. While there are men who have been sexually assaulted, it's not nearly as much and it's not a cultural phenomenon. By cultural phenomenon I mean that it's fairly normal for guys to want the chase and make their case for why women should give in. That's pretty normal in guy world. It's partially why I didn't really become upset or question it at the time, I just thought "guys will be guys."

As a mental health professional, I also can't help but psychoanalyze myself and think of the insecure attachment I've developed with men, stemming from my in-and-out of my life alcoholic biological father. This means that whether I realized it or not, (which I didn't), I grew up wanting to feel accepted by men. I wanted their approval, and part of getting that was doing what I thought they wanted. While this is obviously my own issues I have battled with, it makes me sad that our culture perpetuates sex or sexuality with how to gain approval or acceptance from men, especially in the college world.

But really though, we live in a world where the President of the United States can get elected after publicly bragging about sexually assaulting women. Not only is there no criminal repercussions, but he's rewarded with the highest position of power. What the fuck!!!

This is a problem. It's a problem where one person or group of people feel they can outwardly take advantage of other people. It's a problem when one group of people feels so much shame, guilt, and regret for something other people do to them. It's a problem because it ultimately is a reflection of our society today, where one group can oppress, take advantage of, convince them their at fault, etc. to  another group of people without question or consequence. This is systemic issue of privilege and lack of consequences that translates to other issues of race, sexuality, and low-income populations.

I don't want this to be a message that says all men are evil. They're not. And there are lots of other categories of privilege and power that people act on and take advantage of others. But it is definitely something that needs to be heard more because men taking advantage of women happens more than people think, whether it's subtly or overtly. I know I am not an outlier in my personal experiences with men. In fact, I'm probably more middle of the road. I think people are starting to see that now with women coming out and bravely stating 'Me Too.'

So to all of you out there, think about this happening to your family, because it has likely happened to at least one of your family members. Does that make you angry? To anyone who may want to put their sexual wants ahead of someone else's human dignity, would you want that to happen to your sister, to your brother, to your daughter, to your mother?  Me neither. 

#meneither