If Only I Weren't a "Me Too"

#metoo  (Mom, this is one you may want to skip reading)

When I first saw this phrase surfacing I thought, "Wow, how brave of women to let EVERYONE know that something horrible has happened to them." Seriously, think about telling your mom, dad, aunts, uncles, co-workers, past friends....Everyone that you know that someone has sexually assaulted you. It's hard.

As I was pondering whether I could ever be this brave, I questioned whether I could even claim this or not. What went through my head is likely something that a lot of women thought as well, which is, "well, I'm not sure if I've ever been sexually assaulted, but there's definitely some uncool things that have happened." I don't want to necessarily claim being sexually assaulted for gray areas. For me, sometimes the phrase 'sexually assaulted' makes me think of being stopped in a dark alley and someone having their way with me, and not the everyday subtle events that likely happen to the majority of women.

But the more I thought about this topic and each of my gray areas, the more emotional I became and the more I couldn't stop thinking about it. When women talk about being sexually assaulted, people tend to question their decisions and it puts their romantic and social decisions under a microscope. So this is going to be hard for me. It's also going to be revealing and personal, but ultimately, I know a lot of women around me have been in very similar situations that I feel it's important to talk about some of these complexities of this topic.

So initially, if someone asked me the question, 'have you ever been sexually assaulted?' I would have said no. But after thinking about it recently, the answer is ultimately yes, and here's why. High school and college were kind of wild, and looking back, I was a little out of control. I drank a lot and went to parties. The drinking and partying itself put myself in a lot of situations where men just seemed to feel that they were allowed or entitled to do things, especially after I would obviously been unfit to make any decisions whatsoever. This is a particularly gray situation because, A, I made the decision to drink and party, and B, men also loose their inhibitions and decision making as they drink, and therefore, should they be held accountable for making poor decisions as well? Honestly, I think sometimes yes and sometimes no. There are, however, specific situations where the answer is resounding yes, but it's taken me this long to really reflect on what that means. I think about the times where I may have 'passed out' but was really just half asleep and men feeling me in places that were inappropriate who thought I was asleep. I think about the times that kissing just can't be just kissing and it becomes a huge ordeal of convincing me and sometimes just giving in because I felt I was being lame, prude, or unadventurous. 

But then there were other times, other times maybe less gray. Like when I worked at a restaurant and another co-worker walked into a fridge walk-in after me, assuming they could pick me up and just start kissing me (not in a romantic way). Or the times I've just flat out been pressured by people I'm dating to do things faster or more than I want to, and yes, I've had guys stop seeing me because I wouldn't do what they wanted.

I've gone over these situations in head, and yes, some of them I could have made better decisions, but then I start to think of the situation reversed. While there are men who have been sexually assaulted, it's not nearly as much and it's not a cultural phenomenon. By cultural phenomenon I mean that it's fairly normal for guys to want the chase and make their case for why women should give in. That's pretty normal in guy world. It's partially why I didn't really become upset or question it at the time, I just thought "guys will be guys."

As a mental health professional, I also can't help but psychoanalyze myself and think of the insecure attachment I've developed with men, stemming from my in-and-out of my life alcoholic biological father. This means that whether I realized it or not, (which I didn't), I grew up wanting to feel accepted by men. I wanted their approval, and part of getting that was doing what I thought they wanted. While this is obviously my own issues I have battled with, it makes me sad that our culture perpetuates sex or sexuality with how to gain approval or acceptance from men, especially in the college world.

But really though, we live in a world where the President of the United States can get elected after publicly bragging about sexually assaulting women. Not only is there no criminal repercussions, but he's rewarded with the highest position of power. What the fuck!!!

This is a problem. It's a problem where one person or group of people feel they can outwardly take advantage of other people. It's a problem when one group of people feels so much shame, guilt, and regret for something other people do to them. It's a problem because it ultimately is a reflection of our society today, where one group can oppress, take advantage of, convince them their at fault, etc. to  another group of people without question or consequence. This is systemic issue of privilege and lack of consequences that translates to other issues of race, sexuality, and low-income populations.

I don't want this to be a message that says all men are evil. They're not. And there are lots of other categories of privilege and power that people act on and take advantage of others. But it is definitely something that needs to be heard more because men taking advantage of women happens more than people think, whether it's subtly or overtly. I know I am not an outlier in my personal experiences with men. In fact, I'm probably more middle of the road. I think people are starting to see that now with women coming out and bravely stating 'Me Too.'

So to all of you out there, think about this happening to your family, because it has likely happened to at least one of your family members. Does that make you angry? To anyone who may want to put their sexual wants ahead of someone else's human dignity, would you want that to happen to your sister, to your brother, to your daughter, to your mother?  Me neither. 

#meneither

If Only I Would Stop Talking about Wal-Mart!!

It's that time to make people cringe again! It's time for people to read my blog title and think to themselves, "Oh here Polly goes again."  Well, I wish I would stop talking about the 'W' word as well. I wish I could live in a world where this sort of thing doesn't exist, so I wouldn't have to keep bringing it people's attention, but we do, and Walmart continues to be the biggest culprit.

Here's what I want you to think about while reading this. Let's say you own a business and make $3 million dollars pure profit a year and you have 10 employees. You've been making this profit for the past 10 years and you've paid off your house, your cars, sent your kids to college, you can go on vacation anywhere you want, etc. You have no needs because you've been able to use this money in a way to help you get the life you want. Your business is thriving and your projected profit from the coming years see no sign of dwindling. What if you initially paid your 10 employees $30,000 a year because you needed to make sure your business could stay afloat, but now that you're seeing profits well beyond what you could use it for, would you pay your employees more? Would you see that your employees struggle to make rent, struggle to budget for food, struggle with any unexpected costs and lose sleep over money issues and say, " Eh, they're fine. They don't need to be paid more because that's how capitalism operates. There will always be people who make less and that's how it is!!"  If the answer is no, you wouldn't pay them more, then maybe there's no hope for you anyway, but if the answer is yes, I want you think about this next question in context of my points below. Why do people who make about $50 billion dollars a year refuse to provide reasonable and livable wages for their employees??

Here's the thing, it's hard to resist cheap and convenient, even when you don't necessarily need it to be. I get it. If I were living on $8 an hour and needing to feed my family, I would likely shop at Walmart too. But this is more about bringing awareness to people who don't need to shop at Walmart and how it impacts them negatively whether they realize it or not. This is about bringing to light how consumerism choices affects us either negatively or positively in the long run.

Walmart costs Tax-Payers (Hey that's you!) $7.8 BILLION a year: 
Yes, this is correct, or least correct in the year 2014. Walmart uses many strategies from using government subsidies, cashing in on tax loopholes, avoiding paying taxes, and using money from the government that could be used elsewhere. Walmart actively tries to seek out ways it does not have to pay taxes or that is can benefit off of government funded programs, and guess who pays for all that.... you! It's also true that the very government funded social programs that are intended to help the poor are being used by Walmart employees, about $13.5 billion in food stamps money is given out to Walmart employees. (Please read source below "Walmart on Tax Day." It provides all the numbers you need).

I could use many other statistics and research to point out how much money Walmart is being greedy and avoiding paying the government taxes or using money from the government, but the question remains the same. Why is a top Fortune 500 company profiting billions of dollars each year allowed to use government money to 'help them out' and using up tax money that could be spent on other things. Just think about what an extra $7.8 billion dollars a year could do. One source sites it could hire 105,131 more teachers; and we all know how schools are in need of teachers.... and supplies.....and adequate infrastructure....etc.

I think a lot of people look at their paychecks and think, 'Hey, those Democrats and their social programs and helping people are costing me money.' But what they really need to ask is, how much of these taxes are unnecessary (not helping people) and going toward people who already make billions of dollars? If more people would ask these questions and look into the unnecessary use of tax dollars, they would try to figure out how to stop it.

However, the great thing about capitalism is we can use our individual power of consumerism to send messages to companies, which is why this is so important to me. I can choose not give companies like Walmart money to send a message, and that message for me is: Stop being a greedy dick to your employees and America! Companies respond to bottom lines and decrease in profits, unfortunately, they don't usually respond to pleas of human rights, fairness, and ethics. So if more consumers make it a point to stop shopping at Walmart because they don't like the idea of them taking advantage of the system to the tune of $7.8 billion dollars a year, then maybe Walmart might get the hint. Just maybe they'll start to pay attention to how they treat people and make people pay much more in taxes to benefit the Walden family. And yes, maybe, the world might be just a little bit better because there would be more money for public schools, more people able to afford to go on vacation and reduce stress, more people able to pay for their medical bills.....it goes on and on.

Also, as everyone's attention is likely focused on violence recently as well, I would also briefly like to touch on the correlation between economic injustice and violence. If the 1.5 million workers at Walmart got adequately compensated and were provided benefits, not only would that help out every tax-payer, but would also help those workers not be as stressed, frustrated, angry, and hopeless. That means the less people are likely to act on their frustration. So yes, as a mental health professional I can say that people who get treated like shit, may often treat others like shit. It just makes sense. People who can afford life and have less stress don't usually want to take out their frustrations on others. People who try and try, work over-time, don't have benefits, and who are exploited, tend to get frustrated with the world. Understandably so. So while you may not see how these can be connected and how it might be absurd to connect Walmart's greediness with acts of violence, just think about it more. Think about being stressed day in and day out and how that impacts your decisions and how you might accidentally lash out at someone. So yea, this is also a violence issue too, because if we treat people better and people don't get exploited by billion dollar companies, than yes, the world could be a better place.

As always, I don't get this stuff from thin air. Check out my sources and read up on it yourself. There's always going to be arguments for jobs and economic productivity etc, but really think about my scenario at the beginning. Economic productivity, treating employees fairly, and paying taxes doesn't have to be mutually exclusive. Plenty of companies are profitable while also paying taxes and fair wages, they just aren't AS profitable as Walmart and would be willing to give a few billion out of 50 billion to make sure their employees can eat and afford to live. Wouldn't you?


How to Think About Walmart - The Atlantic

Walmart on Tax Day - Americans for Tax Fairness

I Work for $8.25 at Walmart, What Would You Like to Know? - The Guardian

As Wal-Mart Blitzes Internet Retail, Debate Rages over Company's impact on US wages - CNBC